Hating Him
by DeltaLutra
Summary: Sam's POV During Shades Of Grey, not a happy fic!


Title: Hating Him Author: Deltachild Rating: PG Pairing: Sam/Jack, slight Sam/Other Spoilers: "100 Days" and "Shades Of Grey" Summary: Sam's thoughts during "Shades Of Grey", after Jack leaves for Edora. Author Notes: As you can tell I was in a REALLY happy mood when I wrote this :) Was inspired by listening to Indigo Girls "Moment Of Forgiveness" but decided the lyrics didn't fit after all.  
  
* * *  
  
This morning I loved him and hated him. Now in the half-light of evening, I hate him completely.  
  
* * *  
  
The first time he left, I didn't hate him at all, I hated myself. Hated the fact that I had left him. Hated that I would never see him again. Hated that progress towards saving him was so slow.  
  
He didn't even need rescuing.  
  
I now wish he had stayed on that planet, with that woman. The pain I had put myself through and the guilt I had worked with, all meant nothing to him. I hated him then, with as much passion as I had loved and missed him.  
  
Did I even exist to him?  
  
The last couple of weeks he has taken me over again. Slowly he kept back into my every thought, and my heart. As much as I had hated him, my heart still wanted to love him. It never will again.  
  
Janet asked me a while ago if I had a problem, I did. It came with dog- tags, a USAF uniform, a colonels rank and another women's heart.  
  
Since his return from Edora he had been distant, distracted. He must have been thinking of her.  
  
When he resigned I thought General Hammond was joking. I didn't know that the situation was that bad. Jack had left the base without saying goodbye to anyone. I still can't understand what he did on Tollana or his behaviour, that's not Jack. Does he hate us, me, that much for bringing him home? Did I cause this?  
  
I wanted to talk to him, wanted to know why he had left the team, his friends, me. I was well aware of his tendency to disappear. I needed to talk to him before he vanished. Why did I bother?  
  
I wanted to tell him how I felt. I always thought that he knew, not that we had ever talked about it, but something was always there. Or was it? I knew how I felt, was I seeing something in him which didn't exist? Was I always 'Carter' while he was 'Jack'?  
  
* * *  
  
I called him. I should have gone to see him. I was scared. I needed a sign, a glimmer that I wasn't as meaningless to him as the rest of the SGC. My heart was aching for anything, it received nothing.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey Sir, it's me"  
  
"Who is this?"  
  
"Sam...Sam Carter"  
  
"Why are you calling me?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Look I've left the air-force, I've been fully debriefed. I would appreciate it if I wasn't harassed at home"  
  
He hung up.  
  
I stood there with the phone still cradled to my ear, my soul falling into the nothingness of the dial tone. I couldn't believe that I was nothing to him, just another part of the air-force. Couldn't believe that he was going to leave. The ember of hate that had grown within me began to burn brighter.  
  
Later that evening Daniel called to ask if I wanted to go over and talk to Jack, I refused. I think he went in the end.  
  
I sat alone in my darkened house, torn between the strongest two emotions. I decided to go for all or nothing. I had to see him, I had nothing to lose. Regs no longer mattered. Not much did. Maybe he would forgive me? I don't need his forgiveness anymore.  
  
* * *  
  
It felt like I stood on that doorstep for an eternity, maybe longer. It opened though.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bringing you back. I'm sorry for ruining the life you built on Edora. I'm sorry for it all. I'm not sorry for loving you though, please don't do this."  
  
I stood there with my soul exposed, hoping.  
  
He just stood there in the lit doorway, and closed the door without a word.  
  
I didn't cry, I was incapable of doing so. I walked back to my car and drove home. I hate him.  
  
* * *  
  
He left the next day, he went back to Edora. I'm never going to see him again, and I don't care. I don't think I can do anything but hate.  
  
"I haven't been myself since the day I met you"  
  
That was it, the breaking of a bond. Those words bored into me. They reached through to my heart and left their scars. I hate him. I hate him for breaking me, for leaving the SGC, for not giving a damn and the way he made me feel.  
  
The first night he was gone, I drowned my feelings in a bottle.  
  
The second night I cried, not for him but for me.  
  
The third, I spent in the arms of a stranger. I don't know his name.  
  
The fourth, I watched old movies with Daniel, Teal'c and Janet. Trying to draw strength, anything from my friends.  
  
Tonight, the fifth night, I realised that life goes on. Why should I waste my thoughts and feelings on someone who is as good as dead to me?  
  
My moment of closure was the disengaging of the last wormhole he would travel through. Now I will loosen the grip hate has on me, hide it away.  
  
I have access to the whole galaxy. Why worry about one of billions, on a planet of thousands?  
  
Jack O'Neil no longer exists to the USAF, or to me. 


End file.
